– tony.espino –

a human. for now.

Standup

TONY ESPINO STAND UP V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 6/25/15

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

ELROY is standing on stage. OLIVE is the only audience
member.

ELROY
How’s everyone doing tonight?

OLIVE
Big mistake. Never ask that
question!

ELROY
OK. One audience member who was
able to make it out tonight.

OLIVE
Make me laugh!

ELROY
I tried dissecting a frog once and
I learned that it’s really hard to
have proper technique when you’re
using a cinder block.

OLIVE
That’s not funny. You sick man,
you.

ELROY
It’s just a joke.

OLIVE
Doesn’t sound like it to me.

ELROY
You know I just watched Child’s
Play for the first time in over
twenty years. And I’m still just as
terrified of a possessed doll
living in my house…and not paying
any rent.

OLIVE
That doesn’t make any sense! How
would a doll give you money? These
jokes suck.

ELROY
I don’t really expect the doll to
give me money.

OLIVE
Stupid.

ELROY
When I was a kid I used to have
scoliosis–

OLIVE
Oh! For crying out loud! Not
another scoliosis joke!

ELROY
I haven’t told any yet.

OLIVE
Trust me they all feel like
scoliosis jokes. Go to the doctor
already.

ELROY
OK. I did go to the doctor and he
told me to stop eating so much cat
litter if I want Fluffy to stop
peeing in my stomach.

OLIVE
Get a dog, moron!

ELROY
Hey, annoying lady! Did you know
when women stop getting their
period they just turn into one long
run-on sentence?

OLIVE
You stink!

ELROY
Every time someone uses a Ouija
board with me they always end
up asking me, “Why does this ghost
want me to blow you?”

OLIVE
Whoa! Wait! Who’s blowing you?

ELROY
It’s a joke.

OLIVE
Joke my ass! Who are you making
blow you with Ouija board ghosts?

ELROY
Easy. You’re the only girl blowing
me.

OLIVE
You know we’re supposed to be this
cool comedy duo where I pretend to
heckle you, but now you make it
real by dropping this bomb on me. I
thought we had something special!

ELROY
We did. We do. It’s just a joke.

OLIVE
Why don’t you use that Ouija board
to contact your comedy career
because that shit is dead now.

ELROY
(hesitant)
This is me doing an impression of
my girlfriend getting angry over a
joke…

OLIVE
Do that impression and me and the men’s
lacrosse team are going to play with the
Ouija board.

ELROY
You don’t even believe in ghosts!

BLACKOUT.

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2 comments on “Standup

  1. missamew
    July 26, 2015

    Super hilarious… But still keeps me terrified of hecklers!

    • tony espino
      July 26, 2015

      Thanks! Yeah hecklers are real, ghosts maybe not so much.

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This entry was posted on July 24, 2015 by in comedy, funny, humor, sketches, writers, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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