a human. for now.
TONY ESPINO STAND UP V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 6/25/15
INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT
ELROY is standing on stage. OLIVE is the only audience
How’s everyone doing tonight?
Big mistake. Never ask that
OK. One audience member who was
able to make it out tonight.
Make me laugh!
I tried dissecting a frog once and
I learned that it’s really hard to
have proper technique when you’re
using a cinder block.
That’s not funny. You sick man,
It’s just a joke.
Doesn’t sound like it to me.
You know I just watched Child’s
Play for the first time in over
twenty years. And I’m still just as
terrified of a possessed doll
living in my house…and not paying
That doesn’t make any sense! How
would a doll give you money? These
I don’t really expect the doll to
give me money.
When I was a kid I used to have
Oh! For crying out loud! Not
another scoliosis joke!
I haven’t told any yet.
Trust me they all feel like
scoliosis jokes. Go to the doctor
OK. I did go to the doctor and he
told me to stop eating so much cat
litter if I want Fluffy to stop
peeing in my stomach.
Get a dog, moron!
Hey, annoying lady! Did you know
when women stop getting their
period they just turn into one long
Every time someone uses a Ouija
board with me they always end
up asking me, “Why does this ghost
want me to blow you?”
Whoa! Wait! Who’s blowing you?
It’s a joke.
Joke my ass! Who are you making
blow you with Ouija board ghosts?
Easy. You’re the only girl blowing
You know we’re supposed to be this
cool comedy duo where I pretend to
heckle you, but now you make it
real by dropping this bomb on me. I
thought we had something special!
We did. We do. It’s just a joke.
Why don’t you use that Ouija board
to contact your comedy career
because that shit is dead now.
This is me doing an impression of
my girlfriend getting angry over a
Do that impression and me and the men’s
lacrosse team are going to play with the
You don’t even believe in ghosts!