– tony.espino –

a human. for now.

Fireman

TONY ESPINO FIREMAN V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 6/17/15

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

OLIVE is waiting impatiently when her son, BART, walks in.

OLIVE
You’re late, Bart! Where the hell
have you been?

BART
I’ve been all over the place, ma.
Places you wouldn’t even dream of.

OLIVE
Were you in the park playing
checkers with that homeless man
again?

BART
Stop calling dad homeless. He’s got
his own bush.

OLIVE
That’s a good thing, because I know
one bush he’s not welcome in
anymore.

BART
That’s gross, ma.

OLIVE
Your mom’s got a hairy bush, get
over it Bart. Should I be more like
your dad since you think he’s so
cool?

She uses her finger as a mustache.

OLIVE (CONT’D)
(deep voice)
Hey everybody look at my mustache.
I bet you think I’m a fireman. But
the only ladder I’m climbing is
into my neighbor’s bedroom when my
wife’s asleep.

BART
But dad IS a real fireman.

OLIVE
Just because he pees on fire
hydrants doesn’t make him a
fireman.

She pretends to be him peeing on a hydrant.

OLIVE (CONT’D)
(deep voice)
Look at me draining my stupid man
lizard on this fire hydrant so
you’ll think I’m a fireman.

BART
Dad said you would do this. And to
tell you that even though he was
having a threesome next door,
that he was looking at your picture
the whole time.

OLIVE
Really?

BART
So he could last longer.

OLIVE
He’s trying to torture everyone
isn’t he?

BART
I’m leaving here, mom. I came to
tell you I’m going to live in the
bush with dad and Uncle Turbo.

OLIVE
You don’t have an Uncle Turbo!

BART
I do now.

OLIVE
So I guess this is goodbye?

BART
I guess so. Since I want to be a
fireman myself one day it only
makes sense to live with one.

OLIVE
He’s not a fireman! But I guess
this is goodbye.
(beat)
Goodbye to your Playstation and
your Nintendo and your fire truck
bed with the mustache pillow cases.

BART
Not the mustache pillow cases!

OLIVE
Then get to your room! You have
school tomorrow.

BART
I do?

OLIVE
Yeah, and it’s career day.

BART
Oh. That’s right. All the moms are
excited because dad is going to
tell everyone about being a
fireman.

OLIVE
He’s not a fireman!

BLACKOUT.

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This entry was posted on August 1, 2015 by in comedy, funny, humor, sketches, writers, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .

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