– tony.espino –

a human. for now.

Immortality

TONY ESPINO IMMORTALITY V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 6/30/15

INT. ALIEN RESEARCH LAB – DAY

ELROY is looking through a stack of BETSY’S papers with a
look of confusion.

ELROY
What is all this scribble?

BETSY
That scribble is a language I
developed to communicate with the
aliens.

ELROY
Like Pig Latin?

BETSY
Like Alien Latin.

ELROY
You never told me you found aliens.

BETSY
That’s because I’m keeping them for
myself.

ELROY
I want to have alien friends.

BETSY
I don’t think so. It’s my
immortality project. I need to live
on forever in the minds and
memories of other people. But when
mankind is gone, then so am I. So
my solution was to reach beyond
mankind.

ELROY
I had no idea you were so
ambitious. You don’t even do the
dishes at home.

BETSY
Bonding with these aliens will
ensure that my memory lives on for
all eternity in the event of human
extinction.

ELROY
That sounds badass.

BETSY
It is.

ELROY
So can I just talk to them for a
little bit. I want to be all
Highlander and shit like you.

BETSY
Fine. But just to warn you it takes
awhile for them to warm up to us.

ELROY
Tell them I drew an alien with
twelve dicks once.

BETSY
Why? I’m not going to tell them
that.

ELROY
Just do it. I bet they like it.

Betsy scribbles something on paper and shoves it in a tube.

BETSY
Takes a minute. It’s gotta go to
space.

ELROY
That’s just a tube that goes to
outer space?

BETSY
Yup. Built it myself. Oh! Here we
are. A reply.

Betsy grabs a paper from the tube.

ELROY
What did they say?

BETSY
They sent back laughter. It took me
six months to get back laughter!

ELROY
I told you! Do I know aliens or
what?

BETSY
Here’s another one.

She grabs another paper from the tube.

BETSY (CONT’D)
They say you’re the first person to
speak to their soul. And that they
want to form their own language
with you. They say they never want
to hear from me again.

ELROY
I’m sure it’s nothing personal.
It’s just that I’m really advanced
in the way that I portray aliens in
my head.

BETSY
That’s literally bullshit.

ELROY
Get this scribble out of here.

Elroy tosses the stack of papers out of his way.

BETSY
My Alien Latin!

ELROY
Don’t be so bummed, Betsy. Go get
some new alien friends.

He starts drawing on papers and shoving them into the tube.

BETSY
(defeated)
That was my life’s work.

ELROY
Do you think they know what a
gravity bong is?

BETSY
It’s probably an anti-gravity bong.

Elroy grabs a paper from the tube.

ELROY
These guys are awesome! They just
reshaped their planet to look like
me but with twelve dicks.

BETSY
My phone’s ringing. It’s on silent.
That’s why you don’t hear anything.

Betsy picks up her phone.

BETSY (CONT’D)
(on phone)
Wow. That’s amazing.

Hangs up phone.

BETSY (CONT’D)
That was the top scientist in the
world calling from his bathroom. He
just discovered a new planet that’s
shaped…like a human with twelve
dicks.

BLACKOUT.

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This entry was posted on August 6, 2015 by in comedy, funny, humor, sketches, writers, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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