– tony.espino –

a human. for now.

Newborn

TONY ESPINO NEWBORN V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 5/29/15

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

ELROY is holding a newborn baby when OTTO walks in.

OTTO
Congratulations, papa! Where’s the
Mrs?

ELROY
She’s in the shower.

OTTO
That’s a killer kid you got there.

ELROY
Thanks! I know. But he’s got some
crusty stuff around his eyes. They
didn’t clean him up too good.

OTTO
You hungry? I was thinking of
ordering some pizza.

ELROY
Sure…wait you’re not ordering
from Pizza Shit are you?

OTTO
Of course. I love that place.

ELROY
No way. Last time we ate there you
complained so much there’s no way
they don’t spit in our food this
time.

OTTO
Well if something’s not right I’m
going to complain.

ELROY
Remember what happened when you got
your headlight replaced, and you
complained that it was three
degrees off center?

OTTO
It wasn’t right.

ELROY
What happened?

OTTO
They spit on my headlight.

ELROY
And what happened when you returned
your checks, because you didn’t
feel that your name was printed
large enough?

OTTO
It wasn’t right. I know how big my
name’s supposed to be, Elroy.

ELROY
And what happened?

OTTO
They spit on my checks.

ELROY
Remember what happened when you
returned to the dog groomer and
complained that Ruff Ruff wasn’t
“soft enough”?

OTTO
He wasn’t right. They got sloppy. I
know how soft he’s supposed to be.

ELROY
And what happened?

OTTO
They spit on Ruff Ruff.

ELROY
Yes. So thanks, but I’d rather not
order from Pizza Shit with you.

OTTO
Suit yourself, pops.

A female NURSE enters.

NURSE
Just checking in. How’s everyone
doing?

OTTO
Great. Everyone’s fine. Thanks!

NURSE
OK. I’ll check back in a little
while then.

ELROY
Well…I think that baby could use
a little sprucing up.

NURSE
Excuse me?

ELROY
Got some bread crust growing out
its eyes. Someone didn’t do their
job properly.

NURSE
I’m sorry.

OTTO
It’s fine, honestly. Don’t worry
about it.

NURSE
I can take him and clean him again
if you like.

ELROY
You would think you guys would know
how to clean babies right the first
time. That’s a real baby. This is a
real hospital, right?

OTTO
Trust me. It’s OK.

NURSE
We can’t allow your baby to grow
bread crust out of its eyes. I’ll
take him and bring him right back.

She takes the baby from Otto.

ELROY
Can we speak to your manager?

NURSE
Of course. I’ll send her right in.
I’m so sorry.

The Nurse exits in a hurry.

ELROY
That’s right you’re sorry.

OTTO
Why did you do that?

ELROY
It wasn’t right. That baby was all
jacked up, Otto. You don’t want to
look at that. Let them fix their
mistakes.

OTTO
Get out, Elroy.

ELROY
Why?

OTTO
She’s going to hock a giant angry
overworked nurse loogie in my
baby’s brand new face.

ELROY
Oh please. You act like every time
I complain someone just goes and
spits…
(realizing)
Oh…dude…I’m so sorry.

OTTO
Just get out.

ELROY
Come on, old pal. At least that
pesky baptism will be out of the
way now. Am I right? Huh?

Playfully punches Otto on the arm.

OTTO
Get out!

BLACKOUT.

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This entry was posted on October 22, 2015 by in art, comedy, funny, humor, sketches, writers, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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