– tony.espino –

a human. for now.

Charlie Brown: Fury Road

TONY ESPINO CHARLIE BROWN:FURY ROAD V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT
10/20/15

INT. CAR – DAY

CHARLIE BROWN is driving, LUCY is riding shotgun.

LUCY
Thanks for picking me up, Charlie
Brown.

CHARLIE BROWN
No problem, Lucy.

LUCY
Hey, Charlie Brown?

CHARLIE BROWN
Yeah?

LUCY
I’m pregnant.

CHARLIE BROWN
Is this another one of your crazy
theories?

LUCY
Snap out of it, stupid. I’m
pregnant.

CHARLIE BROWN
That’s really weird, Lucy. Are you
trying to tell me it’s mine?

LUCY
Well, it’s certainly not Pig-Pen’s.

CHARLIE BROWN
Good grief. How could this happen?

LUCY
Don’t be so dumb, Charlie Brown.
Apparently you don’t know the first
thing about safe sex.

CHARLIE BROWN
I thought it was safe. It was
behind a brick wall.

LUCY
If it’s a boy we can name him
Charlie Brown.

CHARLIE BROWN
My name’s Charlie Brown. My world
is fire. And blood.

LUCY
No it’s not! You’re world’s not
fire and blood. We’re having a
baby! It’s gonna be so ugly.

CHARLIE BROWN
I’m a Peanut not a father.

LUCY
There’s no going back. Wait. Why
are you driving through the desert
now?

CHARLIE BROWN
You gotta have an abortion, Lucy. I
know a guy. Don’t worry he’s the
conductor of the choir of death.
He’ll take good care of you.

LUCY
Have you done this before?

CHARLIE BROWN
Many times.

LUCY
But I think I want to keep it,
Chuck.
(beat)
Chuck?

CHARLIE BROWN
I am the one that runs from both
the living and the dead. Hunted by
fetuses, haunted by penises I could
not protect. So I exist in this
wasteland, reduced to one instinct:
terminating your pregnancy.

LUCY
Charlie Brown! You! You make me
mad!

CHARLIE BROWN
There’s that voice again worming
it’s way into the black matter of
my brain.

LUCY
You’re acting really weird, Charlie
Brown.

CHARLIE BROWN
No I’m not.

LUCY
Really? Then why is Linus strapped
to the front of your car.

CHARLIE BROWN
That’s not weird. ┬áHe’s
my bloodbag.

LUCY
He’s my brother! And do you have
any idea why all these cars are
suddenly shooting at us?

CHARLIE BROWN
They’re pro-lifers, Lucy,
surrounding the abortion clinic.

LUCY
You sure are stupid, Charlie Brown.
I’m not having an abortion. How’s
it feel knowing I want to keep it?

CHARLIE BROWN
It hurts.

LUCY
That’s life, Chuck. Everything
hurts. You wanna get through this?
Do as I say. Turn this car around
and find me some ice cream.

CHARLIE BROWN
All right. This is your way home.

LUCY
You didn’t even turn the car
around.

CHARLIE BROWN
It’s my seed, Lucy. I should be
able to drown it, or do whatever I
want to it.

LUCY
Are you complaining again?

CHARLIE BROWN
I gotta jump out of the car and
take out this motorcycle behind us.

LUCY
What about me and your unborn
child?

CHARLIE BROWN
You’re going to crash into that War
Rig and die. Sorry.

LUCY
It doesn’t have to be this way you
dumb blockhead!

CHARLIE BROWN
Witness me, Lucy! Witness!

Charlie Brown gets ready to jump, but Lucy stops him.

LUCY
Wait! In case I live, what do I
tell Snoopy?

CHARLIE BROWN
I live! I die! I live again!

He jumps out of the car and dies because he’s Charlie Brown.

Lucy slides into the driver’s seat and grabs the wheel.

LUCY
Oh of all the Charlie Browns in the
world. You sure are the Charlie
Browniest.

BLACKOUT.

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This entry was posted on November 12, 2015 by in art, comedy, funny, humor, peanuts, sketches, writers, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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