– tony.espino –

a human. for now.

Mall Santa

TONY ESPINO MALL SANTA V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 12/3/15

INT. MALL – DAY
We see ALICE and her daughter VANESSA waiting in line to see SANTA.

VANESSA
Mom! I really want to see Santa. Why is it taking so long?
ALICE
Because we have to wait for these other kids to tell him what they want.
VANESSA
They should hurry up, because what I want is more important.
ALICE
Oh yeah? Let me guess what you want. A frisbee or a pogo stick?
VANESSA
Nope. I wanna be a vampire.
ALICE
Really? A vampire? I don’t think Santa can make you a vampire.
VANESSA
I bet his elves could help him.
ALICE
Please don’t ask Santa to turn you into a vampire.
VANESSA
But that’s all I want.
ALICE
I’m sure he could get you something else like Candyland or a Ouija board.
VANESSA
Mom, I already have a Ouija board. I just wanna be a vampire.
ALICE
You don’t really want to be a vampire. Ask for something reasonable.
VANESSA
I can’t. I wanna suck blood. I wanna suck Edmond’s blood.
ALICE
Who’s Edmond.
VANESSA
He’s a boy in my class. He was bending metal the other day and saying he can knock zombie’s heads off. Then he said he was gonna knock my head off so I just wanna be a vampire.
ALICE
No. That’s not a reason to be a vampire.
Vanessa pretends to stick out fangs and hisses at her mother.
ALICE (CONT’D)
Don’t hiss at me.
VANESSA
Mom, what kind of cookies do you think Santa likes?
ALICE
You’ll have to ask him. I think he wants you to sit on his lap.
SANTA
Ho! Ho! Ho! What strange child would like to sit on my fat lap?
VANESSA
I do! I do!
Vanessa sits on Santa’s lap.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Before I forget. What kind of cookies do you like?
SANTA
Sorry, no cookies for me this year. Mrs. Clause has me on a strict diet. She’s afraid I might have to have my feet amputated because of my diabetes.
VANESSA
Ok!
SANTA
What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
VANESSA
I want you to make me a vampire.
SANTA
Well, even I don’t know how I would do something like that.
VANESSA
You just have to bite me, silly.
SANTA
So you want Old Saint Nick to bite you, huh?
VANESSA
Yes!
SANTA
Ok. Merry Christmas!
Santa bites her over and over on the neck. They fall to the ground. Santa just starts eating her.
ALICE
Excuse me, Mr. Clause. Could you maybe stop eating my daughter?
Santa stops eating.
SANTA
Sorry for the inconvenience it’s just Mrs. Clause has me on a strict diet.
Vanessa begins walking to Alice.
VANESSA
See, mom. I knew Santa could make me a vamp–
Vanessa collapses.
ALICE
Dammit, Kringle. What did you have to eat my child to death for?
SANTA
She’s just going to bed early so I’ll come faster. Kids always do that.
ALICE
Ok. But I think she’s going to need some band aids for Christmas.
SANTA
Can’t help you there. But what I can do, for your hassle, is upgrade your picture package at no charge.
ALICE
To the 10 by 12?
SANTA
It’s a 5 by 7.
ALICE
Ok.
SANTA
Someone get me some skim milk to wash that kid down! Ho! Ho! Ho! Who’s next?
BLACKOUT.

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This entry was posted on December 23, 2015 by in art, comedy, fiction, flash fiction, funny, humor, sketches, writers, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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